Grief and Loss
You can be sure on your journey through life, that you will experience, at least once, and more likely several times, some kind of loss. We'll explain what the terms mean then what it feels like on a more personal level.
If you identify with the experiences below then move on to our 'Create my Toolbox' page. Here you will find a range of helpful tools that you can put into your 'Toolbox'.
The facts....
Loss is the event that triggers grief. While most commonly associated with death, loss can also include losing health, financial stability, or a significant life change. The impact of loss can vary depending on what type of loss we experience and what resources we have available to us however, all loss will require us to adapt and cope with the change which can be challenging. The death of someone close to us will likely be the biggest loss we face as our life may be significantly different without that person, but a pet or perhaps retiring from a meaningful career will still be a big change.
Grief is the emotional response to loss. As we have explained, it can follow the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, death of a pet or even losing a job. Grief can feel very intense immediately after the loss, and generally lessens over time, however, it can fluctuate, one day we may feel okay and the next, a song come on the radio, and we are in floods of tears. So just remember, there is no right or wrong way to feel or react, all of the following are very normal to experience:
- sadness or depression
- numbness, shock or disbelief
- tiredness
- sleep disturbances
- loss of appetite or over eating
- difficulty concentrating
- anger or irritability
- relief or guilt
- scared, helpless or lonely
- tearfulness
There is no set time by which you should be 'over' your grief as it very much depends on the nature of the loss, your support system, your own emotional resources however, the general rule is that by around one to two years the intensity the intensity should have lessened. If it hasn't this may be the time to look for professional health as you may becoming stuck in the grief which may begin to significantly impact your life in an unhelpful way. To help understand what you may experience we can use some well-known models of grief, Elizabeth Kubler Ross created:
The 5 Stages of Grief
Denial – A sense of shock or disbelief. This stage acts as a buffer, helping us absorb the reality of the loss gradually.
Anger – Frustration or resentment, often directed at oneself, others, or even the person who has died.
Bargaining – Thoughts of "what if" or "if only," as we try to regain control or make sense of the loss.
Depression – Deep sadness, withdrawal, or hopelessness as the reality of the loss sets in.
Acceptance – Coming to terms with the loss, finding ways to move forward while still honouring what was lost.
Some models expand this to 7 stages, adding:
- Shock (before denial)
- Testing (experimenting with new ways to cope)
It's important to remember that these are not linear, you will move backwards and forwards between the stages however, when you recognise you have come to acceptance it means that you have processed the loss in a healthy way.
The feels....
One of the most challenging things around loss, particularly a bereavement, is other people. It seems to bring out the most awkward side to most. They don't know what to say, how to act, and sometimes, because of this, may avoid you altogether. On the flip side, we can become uncomfortable around others for fear of embarrassing ourselves or creating those awkward moments by showing, god forbid, some emotion! As a nation, we can be very uncomfortable around the intensity of the sadness on show.
Then there's the 'fixers', the ones who come and tell you everything will be ok, the person is in a better place, you can get another dog/job/partner. That maybe true. but when your in the height of it, that doesn't matter, all you can focus on is now, and we don't feel ok and its hard to see that things will ever be better.
There can also be an expectation of ourselves and from those around us that we 'should' be better than we are. And, when that doesn't happen, people may pull away, or make us feel worse because we are not on schedule. It's not because they are bad, it comes back to the same thing, people just don't know what to do. In fact, the most helpful thing sometimes is when someone is prepared to show up, to allow us to talk about the person, remember special dates or anniversaries, and normalise the difficulties you're having. Because, it is normal, whatever you've lost, you haven't just lost that thing. You've lost a future that you'd imagined, a feeling of safety and security, possibly friends or extended family, maybe your family home, there's a lot of loss. And so, you will feel angry, you will feel sad, you will feel confused, you will be pissed off, you will be questioning, you will regret. But healing really requires you to feel those feelings, not push them away, or distract yourself, at some point, even though we just don't want to feel those horrible feelings we kind of have to, otherwise we are just storing them up. They won't go away.