Self-Compassion

We've all heard of self-compassion, but what is it?  Well, its about being kind to yourself, treating yourself like someone you love and care about.  With others we care about, we are generally understanding, encouraging and accepting and yet with ourselves we can be quite the opposite.  We talk to ourselves, do things to ourselves, and hold ourselves to standards that we would never do to others, and, when we fail to meet these harsh standards we judge, criticise and chastise ourselves in a way that we would never do to others.  When we consider this harsh treatment of ourselves, it makes sense that we don't feel good, its like having a bully beside us all day long, telling us how awful, stupid, embarrassing, fat, ugly and so on, we are.  You deserve better than that, yes, you're not perfect but you're certainly not going to feel better by telling yourself what an awful, worthless human being you are.  The good enough mindset is what we're aiming for, recognising that we a fallible human beings, we have strengths and weaknesses, good and bad parts, we make mistakes, and also get things right, its all part of being human.  It may help to think of it this way, self-compassion doesn't start with a feeling, its starts with behaviour (how we treat ourselves).  Sometimes we're waiting to feel good in order to do better, however, when we treat ourselves and care for ourselves in a way we would with someone we love, we our motivating ourselves with kindness.  That's self -compassion, showing ourselves in big and small ways that we are worthwhile, it could be a spray of our favourite perfume everyday rather than saving it for special occasions, having a rest when we know we are tired, giving ourselves grace when we make a mistake. 

Acknowledge thoughts and don't get hooked

There's a concept in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) called cognitive defusion.  Our mind produces hundreds of thoughts, but just because we think something, it doesn't necessarily mean it's true, many of our thoughts are unhelpful and don't make us feel good.  Take a moment to acknowledge your feelings and offer yourself kindness.

Here's how to practice it:

  • Acknowledge the thought: "I'm having the thought that I'm not good enough."

  • Label it: "Ah, that's the 'I'm not good enough' story again."

  • Create distance: Imagine placing the thought on a leaf and letting it float down a stream, or saying it in a silly voice to reduce its grip.

  • Refocus on the present: Ground yourself with your senses—what can you see, hear, feel right now?

Getting "hooked" means fusing with a thought so tightly that it feels like truth. But when you step back and observe it, you realize: it's just a thought. Not a command. Not a prophecy. Just a mental event passing through.

The Inner Critic

Noticing your inner voice, basically the way you talk to yourself, the words, the tone, is a valuable skill to acquire.  When you increase your awareness of your unhelpful self talk you may begin to notice how harsh you are in yourself. Imagine this, if you spend all day long, telling yourself how stupid you are, or everyone's doing better than me or, I'm rubbish at that, its like having a bully walking beside you all day long, of course you're not going to feel good by the end of the day.  One of the core principles of self-compassion is to learn to talk to yourself like you would a friend. If a friend were struggling, you likely wouldn't criticize them, downplay their feelings, or expect perfection. You'd offer warmth, patience, encouragement, and understanding. So why not do the same for yourself?

  • Notice self-critical thoughts.

  • Ask yourself: Would I say this to a friend?

  • Reframe the thought with kindness and encouragement

  • Here's how you might begin, instead of saying: "I can't believe I messed that up." Try: "That was tough, but I'm proud I gave it a shot".  Instead of: "Everyone else has it together except me." Try: "Everyone has their struggles—mine just look different".  Instead of: "I'm not good enough." Try: "I'm doing my best, and that's enough for today."


Celebrate Small Wins

  • Acknowledge progress, no matter how small.

  • Keep a journal of daily achievements.

  • Remind yourself that growth happens in steps, not leaps.


If you would like more in depth information about self-compassion go to https://self-compassion.org, this website is the brainchild of Dr Kristen Neff, a leading figure in this area who has spent many years researching the subject.  For a handy reminder of the ideas we've suggested, download the handout below and put it somewhere visible to help you develop and build the skill of self-compassion.

DOWNLOAD Self-...sion.pdf