Relationships

Firstly, lets have a look at what relationships are and what influences them and then we'll explore why, when not good, they can take a toll on our mental health.  Once you have identified what you may be experiencing move on to our 'Create my Toolbox' page. Here you will find a range of helpful ideas that you can put into your 'Toolbox'.

The facts....

A relationship is a social, human connection between two or more people. It can take many forms, romantic, familial, friendships or professional. Healthy relationships can provide comfort, connection, and a sense of belonging, helping to reduce anxiety and depression. They create a space where you feel heard, understood, and valued.  Having strong social connections—whether with family, friends, or partners—can boost resilience and help manage life's challenges. 

A significant factor that affects our ability to form healthy, satisfying relationships, is what kind of relationships we experienced as babies and children.  Our early, main caregivers form a blueprint for how we see people, ourselves and the world which carries through from our childhood to adulthood.  This is known as our attachment style, we all have an attachment style which basically describes how people form and maintain relationships, based on early experiences with caregivers.  There are four main attachment styles (labels can vary), and generally you will fall into one category however you can be predominantly one combined with one of the other types:

Secure Attachment (most common style)

• Communicates needs and feelings openly and effectively
• Independent yet connected
• Comfortable with intimacy and independence 
• Offers and accepts support
• Can regulate emotions with fear of abandonment
• Confident and secure in connections without excessive worry or clinginess  
• Trusts others                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment

• Strong desire for closeness but also fear of rejection
• Individuals may seek reassurance frequently and worry about abandonment and rejection
• Tendency to neglect responsibilities due to a preoccupation with relationship
• May overreact when there is a perceived threat to relationship
• Emotionally dependent on partner
• Often puts partners needs first
• May become clingy and or demanding 
• Bases self worth on relationship

Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment

• Values independence and may struggle with emotional closeness
• Often suppresses feelings and avoids relying on others 
• Uncomfortable with deep intimacy
• Are noncommittal and prefer casual sex 
• Idealize past relationships
• Self reliant to a fault
• Struggles to trust others
• Ends relationship when senses its getting to intense
• Sends mixed signals and disregards partners feelings

Disorganized (Fearful) Attachment (least common style)

• People may crave connection but also fear vulnerability
• Unpredictable and possibly volatile behaviours in a relationship
• Drawn to difficult, tumultuous relationships 
• Recreates abusive patterns from their early childhood 
• High chance of addiction such as alcohol or drug abuse
• May engage in antisocial or criminal behaviour
• Difficulty with emotional regulation

Attachment styles are particularly interesting and if you understand yours and that of those close to you, it can be very helpful to understand certain behaviours and dynamics in your relationships. 

The feels....

Relationships play a huge role in mental health—whether they're supportive and uplifting or draining and stressful.  Unfortunately, when relationships are strained or have become toxic and we are living in environments where there is constant conflict, poor communication or lack of appreciation, we can begin to feel stress, low self-esteem, and emotional exhaustion. And, let's be honest, who wants to live like that?  

However, although there may be times when we feel relationships are too much work and heartache, there is a hard wired need to want to connect with others.  Back in the day it was essential to our survival, we wouldn't have lasted very long in the wilds of caveman times if we were a lone wolf.  And as babies, without the love and care of adults we would not have survived.  

Having said that, our needs can differ, undoubtedly there are those amongst us that love being with people all or most of the time, whereas others value alone time more with sprinklings of social connection.  Whichever way you are, with few or many relationships, we want the ones we have to add something to our lives. 

So, what makes a relationship good?  Well, strong relationships tend to built on empathy, respect and reciprocity with both individuals contributing to the others well-being.  The key word here is 'both'.  Compromise is needed in relationships, however, this does not mean one party doing all the compromise to fit the others needs, its a two-way street, and if its not going two ways, one party will likely  become dissatisfied.  Vulnerability is also worth a mention.  Sometimes we feel we need to be the 'perfect' partner, strong, capable, not complaining, fearful of expressing needs and wants but this is simply not true, its not real.  Human beings are made up of the good, the bad and the ugly, and when we're not trying to hide that, we're more real, more authentic, this takes the pressure of us trying to be something that we're not but also it means the love a person has for us is based on something real, which means its more likely to go the distance.  If they only love the shiny version of us that we present at the beginning they will undoubtedly be feel disappointed or misled when they realise we don't love watching the football every Saturday or hate sushi.   If they don't accept us, warts and all at the beginning, they're probably not our person.