Self-Esteem & Confidence
We speak alot about self-esteem and confidence, what it is, what it isn't, why its good to have, why its bad if we don't have. Hopefully, the information below will provide you with some answers and if you identify with this experience, move on to our 'Create my Toolbox' page for some ideas and tools that you can use to help.
The facts.....
Self-esteem and confidence are central to mental well-being as it shapes how individuals perceive themselves, interact with others, and navigate life's challenges. When we talk about self-esteem we are referring to the view one takes of oneself, whereas confidence relates to belief in one's abilities. We often hear of self-esteem being referred to as high or low, however, we may also consider levels as being healthy or unhealthy, for example a narcissist can have very high self-esteem but not in a good way. The two elements are very much intertwined, without a good measure of self-esteem, it's hard to have confidence.
From a clinical point of view, we know that our levels of self-esteem are influenced by our early experiences, social interactions, and internal thought patterns. Research suggests that individuals develop their self-esteem through:
Attachment styles – Secure attachments in childhood foster higher self-esteem, while inconsistent or neglectful caregiving can lead to self-doubt.
Social comparison – Constant comparison with others, especially in the digital age, can negatively affect self-esteem.
Cognitive distortions – Patterns like self-criticism and catastrophizing reinforce negative self-perceptions.
In other words, the messages we receive from our environment and from those around us, especially when we are young, significantly impact how we feel about ourselves. For example, we may struggle with self-esteem if we experience:
- Critical or neglectful caregivers – Growing up with constant criticism or lack of emotional support can lead to feelings of inadequacy.
- Bullying or rejection – Negative social experiences, especially in formative years, can shape self-perception.
- Unrealistic expectations – Pressure to meet high standards from parents or teachers can create self-doubt.
Comparison culture – Social media and societal expectations often lead people to compare themselves to unrealistic standards.
In addition to this, in childhood and moving into adulthood we may experience:
Discrimination or marginalization – Experiencing bias or exclusion can negatively impact self-worth.
Media portrayal of success – Constant exposure to idealized images can make people feel they don't measure up.
Perfectionism – Setting impossible standards and feeling disappointed when they aren't met.
Fear of failure – Avoiding challenges due to fear of rejection or inadequacy.
Self-criticism – Internalized negative beliefs can reinforce feelings of unworthiness.
Not only this, we also have to consider:
- Loss or failure – Experiencing setbacks, such as job loss or relationship breakdowns, can shake confidence.
- Mental health struggles – Anxiety and depression often contribute to negative self-perception.
- Abuse or neglect – Past trauma can deeply affect how individuals view themselves.
Genetics – Some research suggests that self-esteem may have a genetic component.
Personality traits – Some people are naturally more prone to self-doubt and negative thinking.
Brain chemistry – Imbalances in neurotransmitters like serotonin can influence mood and self-worth
The feels....
You may already have a fair idea of where your level of self-esteem and confidence is at. If it's not quite where it could be or you're not sure, take a look at some of the situations below and see which statements you identify with more, a or b:
- a) you walk into a room and immediately feel out of place or b) you walk into a room and feel a nice boost when you notice people looking at you as you assume they share your opinion that you are looking good today.
- a) you're at a networking event, you avoid eye contact, have difficulty joining the conversation, or hesitate to share your opinion or b) you're at a networking event and move around the room with chatting with ease, making connections and leave the day with an expanded network, just as you'd hoped.
- a) compliments feel uncomfortable, because deep down, you don't believe them or b) you accept compliments with ease
- a) your dream job is advertised but you convince yourself that you'd never get the position or b) you don't have all the skills they're asking for but you go for it anyway, its worth a try.
- a) you apologise excessively, even though you are not at fault or b) you apologise only when needed
- a) after a conversation you replay every word, worrying about what others thought or b) you don't!
- a) people pleasing or b) self pleasing!
- a) avoiding mirrors or photos because you feel uncomfortable with your appearance or b) you're not perfect but you accept your flaws and focus on the good bits most of the time
Any of this seem familiar? Then you may need to work on the feelings you have about yourself. Of course, you don't have to. But, its worth thinking about the implications if you don't. Low self-esteem isn't just about feeling insecure—it's the fear of failure that stops you from trying, the avoidance of stressful situations that leads to missed opportunities, and the overwhelming need to please others at the expense of your own happiness. That's life limiting and also exhausting. The mental gymnastics of self-doubt, the emotional toll of feeling unworthy, second guessing your choices and decisions, these all take up alot of time and energy. The good news is that you can improve this way of being, it takes time and energy but, if you think about it, you're already expending time and energy on the unhelpful thoughts, so why not continue what you're doing, but this time, spend that time and energy on more helpful thoughts.
Practicing self-compassion can help reduce self-criticism, improve emotional resilience, and foster a kinder relationship with yourself. Remember, we are fallible human beings, we all mistakes, get things wrong. Go to Create My Toolbox for some effective exercises to set you on the right path to better self-esteem and confidence.